Understanding Sexual Violence & Consent
Sexual Violence can happen between anyone regardless of the relationship. It can happen between strangers, acquaintances, friends, dating partners, family members, spouses, or anyone else.
Consent is the foundation of healthy relationships. It means everyone involved actively agrees to participate and has the freedom and capacity to make that decision. Consent cannot be assumed, pressured, or forced. It cannot be given by someone who is unable to make an informed choice like someone who is unconscious or intoxicated to the point of not being able to make decisions.
Sexual violence affects people of every age, race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, culture, and community. No one deserves to experience sexual violence and help is available.
What is Consent?
Understanding consent is key to understanding sexual violence. Consent means every person freely, knowingly, and voluntarily agrees to participate in an activity. Consent should be clear, mutual, and ongoing. And it can be withdrawn at any time.
Everyone involved has a responsibility to ensure there is consent before and throughout any sexual activity.
Consent Is:
- Freely given, without pressure, manipulation, or intimidation.
- Informed, with a clear understanding of what is being agreed to.
- Ongoing, meaning each person can change their mind at any time.
- Specific, because agreeing to one thing doesn't mean agreeing to another.
- Mutual, meaning everyone actively participates in the decision.
Consent Is Not:
- Silence.
- A lack of protest or resistance.
- Assumed because of a current or past relationship, including marriage or dating.
- Something that can be given by a person who is asleep, unconscious, intoxicated to the point they cannot make informed decisions, or otherwise unable to consent.
Building a culture of consent means creating communities where respect, communication, and healthy boundaries are valued. It shifts the focus away from questioning survivors and toward ensuring everyone takes responsibility for respecting another person’s choices.
Everyone Has a Role to Play
Whether you’re supporting a friend, mentoring a young person, raising a family, or simply looking to better understand sexual violence, the guidance below can help you respond with compassion, build healthy relationships, and create safer communities.
FAQ
What is a Healthy Relationship?
Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, communication, and consent. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or another important relationship in your life, you deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued.
Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, but they are built on mutual care, honesty, and respect for one another’s boundaries and individuality.
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
In a healthy relationship, you and the people in your life:
- Respect each other’s identities, boundaries, and differences.
- Maintain relationships with friends and family, even while dating.
- Ask for permission before sharing photos or personal information—and respect the answer.
- Listen to understand, even when you disagree.
- Support each other’s interests, goals, and independence.
- Feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and opinions.
- Care for your own well-being and maintain a healthy sense of self.
- Treat people from all backgrounds with kindness and respect.
- Look out for others and safely step in when someone may need support.
What Do I do if a Friend Tells Me They Have been Sexually Assaulted?
When a friend or loved one tells you they have been hurt, it can be hard to know how to respond or what to do. It’s okay to not have all the answers and to ask them what they most need.
Every person processes their experience differently.
There isn’t one perfect way to act but here are some tips to help them feel listened to, safe, and respected.
- Start by believing. Sharing takes a lot of trust and courage. Let them know you believe them.
- Be a good listener. If possible, try to meet in person instead of communicating over text or through social media. Don’t push if they’re not ready to talk.
- Be supportive. Acknowledge their feelings and respect their decisions. Ask them how they’d like you to help.
- Show them you’re someone to depend on. Listen without making judgments. Do what you say you’ll do.
- If the situation is ongoing, tell them you’re concerned for their safety and want to help.
- Help them realize or accept that what’s happening isn’t healthy. Let them know this kind of thing isn’t “normal” and it’s not their fault.
- Connect them to resources.
- Help them develop a safety plan.
- Don’t speak badly about the person who harmed them. Many people are harmed by people they love or care for. Speaking badly about them can cause increased feelings of shame or self-blame. Instead, focus on the behavior and how the behavior is harmful.
- Don’t support revenge on the person who harmed them. This can make the situation worse.
- Help them identify others who can also help. Remind them you want to help and that others can too in different ways. Offer to find a safe adult so they can step in quickly to provide support.
- If they’re in an unhealthy relationship, try to understand that they might still stay in it. Or they may leave but still go back. Be patient, continue to show support, and let them move at their own pace.
You also deserve support. If you have questions or want to talk, the NM Sexual Assault Helpline is here for you too.
How Can I Support a Young Person in My Life with the Skills to Have Healthy Relationships?
Be What They Need
- Be a good listener.
- Be supportive and non-accusatory.
- Show them you’re open to talking.
- Avoid making assumptions about:
- Their identities, bodies, or behaviors
- How they want to handle the situation
- Be careful not to judge their choices or show disapproval.
- Recognize and reject stereotypes you may have about individuals, cultures, and issues.
- Allow them to make their own decisions about the situation (step in when required by law).
- Be a resource. Give them tools and show them where to go for more information.
- Admit when you don’t know something.
- Educate yourself on rape culture. Seek out current, evidence-based resources.
Get Dialogue Going
- Keep it low key. Don’t push if they aren’t ready to talk.
- Use day-to-day language, not medical terms.
- When they come to you first, start by listening.
- Keep the conversation going by asking open-ended questions.
- When talking about real scenarios:
- Focus on behaviors, not specific people.
- Challenge them to notice red flags.
- Ask them what next steps they want to take.
- Be ready to share resources.
- Use what’s going on in current events and in media as a way to start a conversation or to illustrate a point.
- Bring up a topic related to sexual violence:
- Ask them to share what they know about it.
- Share scenarios and examples that include a wide variety of people, relationships, and identities.
- Discuss practical ways to prevent sexual violence.
- Validate what they know and have shared.
Ask Things Like
- “Everyone deserves to be treated with respect in relationships. What does ‘respect’ mean to you?”
- “What are signs of healthy relationships?”
- “Have you witnessed unhealthy relationships? How does it make you feel?”
- “How do you give or ask for consent?”
- “What options do you have if you witness or experience sexual violence?”
- “What kind of social media boundaries do you think couples and friends should have?”
- “What are signs that someone is being treated like they don’t matter, like they’re someone else’s property, or like they’re objects?”
- “How would you help a friend who had bad things posted about them online?”
- “Would it be weird if someone you were dating got bugged when you hang out with your friends?”
- “What would you say to a friend who tells a rape joke?”
